CFS-180
Good discipline is not hard for most parents. Sometimes it is hard to know what is best to do. It is hard to know when and how to do it. This booklet should help you with discipline. It will answer these questions:
Discipline is a way to correct and to teach a child. Discipline deals with a child's actions. It should not make him feel like a bad or worthless person. Discipline tells a child:
Discipline tells a child how you feel about what she has done. If you are angry, tell the child:
Say to the child, "Chris, it makes me mad when you draw on the walls." Or say, "Pat, I feel sad when you call me names."
Discipline works when it:
Discipline teaches a child how to act. Discipline should make sense to a child. It should have something to do with what he has done wrong. Discipline helps a child feel good about himself. It gives him the chance to correct his mistakes. It puts him in charge of his actions.
Punishment only tells a child that she is bad. It does not tell a child what she should do instead. So punishment may not make sense to the child. Punishment usually has nothing to do with what the child did wrong.
Here are some examples of what a child can do wrong. Some types of punishment and discipline are given. Can you see how they are different?
Example 1 A three-year-old throws his crayons on the floor. Punishment Tell him he is a bad boy and slap his fingers. Discipline Tell him to pick up the crayons. Explain that they could get broken or mark up the floor. Put them out of the child's reach until the next day.
Example 2 A two-year-old empties a wastebasket. Punishment Spank him and send him to his room. Discipline Explain he may not play with the wastebasket. Give him something he may dump and fill.
Sometimes a child is punished when nothing else seems to work. Sometimes a child is punished when he has made a parent very angry. All parents get angry with their children at times. Do not feel bad if this happens to you once in a while. But if you are very angry, count to ten before you talk to your child. If you cannot calm down, tell your child you need to think first. Tell her you will talk to her later about what she has done.
Sometimes children do bad things just to get your attention. They want you to look at them and make a fuss. Ignore the behavior that you do not like. You can teach your child how to act by not paying attention to what she does. Just go on with your work. But ignore the child only if she cannot hurt herself or someone else. Ignoring the child is a good idea if she is:
If your child is doing one of these things, then:
You may begin to feel angry or upset when your child does some things. Sometimes it is good to go into another room and shut the door. If you leave the child alone, make sure she cannot get hurt or run away.
Talking and explaining can help a child know why he should or should not do something. Talking and explaining should be used together with other types of discipline, too. It helps the child understand discipline. But sometimes talking will work by itself. The child can learn how you want him to ad when you just tell him.
Start using words when the baby is very little. She may not understand everything. But it will help you to practice talking with your child. And the baby will understand more and more as she grows.
Here are some things to know about talking and explaining:
Examples of talking and explaining:
Another way to stop a behavior you do not like is by using "natural consequences"; you do nothing when the child does something wrong. In this case, something else will teach her the behavior is not good. Let the child learn what happens if she keeps on doing something she should not be doing. Here are some examples of "natural consequences" discipline:
This kind of discipline will work with a child if:
Be very careful when you use natural consequences. Make sure the child will not be hurt badly. Do not use this method to teach a child about hot stoves. The child could get burned.
Another kind of discipline is to get your child interested in something else. This is called distraction. This way is best for babies, crawlers, and young walkers. Here are some ways to use distraction:
Get him to play with a different toy or game. Then he will forget the old one that you do not like.
Time-out means that you take the child away from the problem. Use it when your child cannot get along with others. It works when he cannot control himself, too. Have a special timeout spot. It should be quiet and away from people. There should not be many things to play with in the timeout area. Here are some ideas for using timeout:
Holding a child close sometimes can help him during a bad temper tantrum. Hold him by wrapping his arms around his chest and bending his legs up. Maybe by holding a child like this you can help him to take control of himself. Here are some other ideas to try:
Sometimes children are trying to do some thing that is too hard for them. They may scream, throw things, or get angry. Maybe they do not know how to do the task. Maybe they want to do right, but they are not old enough to do what you want. Helping the child may take care of the problem. Make sure your child is old enough before you ask him to do a task. This also may help prevent problems. Here are some ways you can help your child.
How Can I Help My Child Do the Right Thing?
You can help children do the right things. You do not need to wait
for problems to happen. You do not have to discipline your children
all the time. That means the discipline will work better when you do
need to use it. Here are some things to do instead of discipline.
Babyproofing means making your home safe and fun. It means moving some things in your home so your child cannot reach them. Babyproofing helps keep your child safe. Babyproofing will help keep your things from getting broken, too.
Look at your home the way your child sees it. Move around the house on your hands and knees. what looks most interesting? what things can your child reach? Me they dangerous for her? Read the "Safe Play Area Checklist" below. Think about your home and then answer the questions. Can you answer yes" to most of the questions? If you can, you have done a very good job of babyproofing your home. Did you answer "no" or "some" to any of the questions? If you did, you can make your home safer for your child.
Make a special place where it is okay for your child to play. Short tables or low shelves are perfect for little ones. Put some playthings on the table or shelf.
Safe Play Area Checklist
Yes Some No Me electrical outlets covered? Me loose electrical cords out of the way? Me sharp edges of furniture padded or sanded smooth? Me the edges of rugs taped down? Is there a gate in front of the stairs? Me cleaning supplies, medicines, and plants up high and out of reach? Me there safe materials and paint used on the furniture and playthings? Me windows safe? Me screens tight? Me open windows tight or braced so they will not fall down? Is the bathroom closed off? Me the child's toys safe?
(See section on safe toys in CFS-175, "Come Play with Me.")
Getting rewards helps children learn what they should do. Rewards often work better than punishments. It also is more fun to reward your child than to punish her.
* Reward your child right after he does the things that you like.
* Tell children why they are being rewarded. This is very important if you have to wait to reward them. For example, "You picked up your toys this morning. Now you can go to the store with me."
* Give rewards your child likes. Different children like different things. One child may want to watch, "Sesame Street." Another will want you to read her a story.
* Do not use the same reward too often. Your child may become bored with it. Then it will not be a reward anymore.
* Keep rewards simple. Bear hugs, extra
kisses, or saying things like, "Good job!"
are very special to young children.
A reward is not a bribe. A reward tells your child that you like
what he has done. It tells him to keep doing the things that you like.
Most parents try to catch their children being bad. It is better to
"catch them being good."
Think about your own child. What things are special to him or her? Could you use them as a reward? Remember, a reward does not always have to be a thing. Just telling your child she did a good job can be a reward. Time alone together can be a very special reward. Saying you are proud of him may be the best reward.
You can help your child control his own behavior. Then you will not need to discipline as much. Let the child make choices, but make sure they are choices that you can live with. This method works best with an older child, maybe one who has been walking for a while. It teaches the child how to make decisions. Here are some examples.
The best way to teach your child is to show him what to do. Set a good example for him.
Children often do just what they see their parents do. If you yell in the house, children will do the same. If you do not eat green beans, the kids probably will not eat them. So it is very important to act the way you want your child to act.
Your child has done something to upset you and you wonder if you should discipline her. Before you do anything, ask yourself these questions:
If discipline is needed, what kind is best?
Set limits for children. Make sure they know what the rules are. Here are some steps to follow when you set limits:
Avoid taking sides against your child. Say, "That is what the rule is." Do not say, "Because I said so."
Be consistent. After the rules are set, use them every time you need to. This helps a child feel secure. He knows that you will always do the same thing.
Match the discipline to the misbehavior. If a child throws food on the floor take the food away. Do this if he is old enough to understand what he has done wrong. If children are fighting over toys, separate the children and put the toys away.
Use "Stop" and "Don't" more than "No." Say to the child "Stop" or "Don't." Then tell her what she should stop doing. This tells a child exactly what to stop doing. Then let her know what she can do. For example, "Stop throwing the ball. You may roll the ball on the floor, but you may not throw it."
For Further Reading
American National Red Cross. Parenting Your Child from One to Six: Parent's Guide (Booklet). (1981). The American National Red Cross.
Guiding Children (Pm-932). Cooperative Extension Service, Iowa State University, Ames, Iowa.
Lindsay, J. W. Teens Parenting: The challenge of babies and toddlers. (1981). Buena Park, CA: Morning Glory Press.
Lingren, H. S. Discipline: An Effective Life Guide. (HE 682.164). Cooperative Extension Service, Institute of Agricultural and Natural Resources, University of Nebraska-Lincoln. Lincoln, Nebraska.
Primer, P. A. Home Economics Guide: Guidance and Discipline (#6061). University of Missouri-Columbia, Extension Division, College of Home Economics.
Smith, C. A. Effective Discipline: Guidelines for Parents. (HE-166). Cooperative Extension Service, Purdue University, West Lafayette, Indiana.
Smith, C. A. Effective Discipline: Setting and Maintaining Limits. Cooperative Extension Service, Kansas State University. Manhattan, Kansas.
White, B. L. The First Three Years of Life. (1979). Englewood Cliffs, New, Jersey: Prentice Hall. xble
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This publication was made possible by a grant from the Division of Maternal and Child Health, Indiana State Board of Health.
Writers: Maryann O'Leary, Instructor; and Karen Hinkley and Joe Wetchler, Graduate Assistants, Child Development and Famity Studies.
Illustrations by Keith Butz, Center for Instructional Services.
Photography by Richard Myers-Walls, Photographic Services, Center for Instructional Services.
Cooperative Extension work in Agriculture and Home Economics, State of Indiana, Purdue University and U.S. Department of Agriculture cooperating: H.A. Wadsworth, Director, West Lafayette, IN. Issued in furtherance of the acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914. The Cooperative Extension Service of Purdue University is an equal opportunity/equal access institution.